NEW UPDATE!!!!!

Hey guys! I know, I told you I would keep you updated but quite honestly the past couple of months have been rather strange for me.


HERE IS A QUICK UPDATE FIRST:

The clip/calcification/scar tissue has gotten pretty bad. I now have a hard time swallowing and my voice is affected at times as well. It is rather uncomfortable. I am going to the doctor tomorrow at 10:20am (wow that felt like old times) and we will see what we need to do. I am sure I will get another ultrasound. The last one showed the calcification at 9.8mm so we will see if it has grown. Just sitting here it feels like someone has their hand around my throat squeezing.


NOW ON TO WORDS OF SOMEWHAT WISDOM FROM A CANCER SURVIVOR (still shocking):

When I was told on 2/2/09 that I was officially cancer free I was honestly shocked! I am used to always having something go wrong and it just seemed like a joke. It took a while for it to sink in and it was really great telling everyone and the wonderful response.

But I felt so lost, like in a dream. Before I was diagnosed I was always helping someone with something or another and all my spare time I was creating something whether it was photography or a special project for someone. I thrived on doing things to make others happy. Then when I was told it actually wasn’t the cancer that was so hard to deal with it was being told that I had to stop everything and take care of myself. I just couldn’t comprehend it. I wasn’t used to being taken care of and quite honestly it really irritated me. I felt that I was going to let so many people down. Then when I expressed to a friend my feelings about it they said, “Brandy, it is time to stop taking care of everyone else and let us all take care of you now.” I argued a bit about it but decided if I was going to get better I really needed to take charge of myself and my health.

So….. I began really concentrating on what my body needed and focusing on me. After crying about it for a few weeks (yes….it bothered me that much) I started to quite enjoy sitting still and learning what things made me feel better. Needless to say I got used to just hanging back. This went on for 10 months. I got used to my new way of life.

Fast forward to Feb. 2nd, 2009. I had so many times when the doctors or reports would give me not such good news that when the doctor called me and said, “YOU ARE CANCER FREE” I was so shocked!

In an instant my life changed once again. Now I had no excuses (must admit telling the husband I couldn’t clean because I didn’t feel well was rather nice). Almost instantly people started to treat me like the “old” Brandy. The one who existed BEFORE the cancer.

I had to “instantly” change back and I didn’t know how. I had gotten so used to taking the back seat and letting the world go by and now everyone wanted the “old” Brandy back – and there were no excuses!! I felt so lost like I was stuck in between 2 people. The “sick” Brandy and the “old healthy” Brandy. I had to figure out who I was NOW.

I had to relearn how to live “healthy”, I felt like I didn’t know the “old” Brandy at all anymore…..she was long gone. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go back to that and that really bothered me, and I mean REALLY bothered me!!!

Then, about 2 weeks ago it was like a light bulb went off! I just snapped back into the original BRANDY without warning (I shouldn’t say old – haha)! All of a sudden I just wanted to create and help anything and everything! My mind was going a 100mph!! I am super excited and it has been GREAT ever since!

I assume this was either hormonal and my medication finally leveled out or my brain just finally digested that it was time to let me LIVE again.

There are some things I have learned during this journey of being on the “other side” and I want to share them with you in case one of them might be helpful to you:

~ It made me really sad when people would look at me with big sad eyes and talk to me like I was dying – reminded me that I was sick.
~ I also KNEW I would survive so the super positive “you are going to do great, don’t worry about anything” I didn’t know how to react to that.

~ The BEST thing that people did/said was just letting me know that they were there for me and they would be praying. I only say this because the super sad and super positive was hard to deal with and for those cancer patients I now deal with I stay middle of the road and just let them know they have a friend who is there for them.
If you don’t know what to say, it is OK!!! It is hard to know what a person WANTS to hear and sometimes it is easier just not to do or say anything. But, don’t drop out of someone’s life just because you don’t know what to do. Just drop them a card or an e-mail just letting them know you are there.

~ When I wasn’t feeling well I just did not want to talk. Do not take it personal when someone who is sick does not communicate often. It is NOT personal! I promise!!~

~ The smallest gestures mean the world to someone who is hurting physically and mentally.

~ The hardest battle was MENTAL not physical. That might be different for other people but for me I can handle all sorts of pain (as you are all well aware of my many “incidents” – yes I am accident prone) but first having to “stop my life” and live completely different, deal with my loved ones hurting for me, and then to be thrown back into my “normal life” once again was very difficult. I consider myself to be very positive and not a whole lot gets to me but there were at least 3 times when I just gave up and asked God to take me home. Makes me cry thinking about it. I had very weak moments, it was hard. BUT, I can honestly say when I had those times not 10 minutes later I heard from some of you and you picked me back up just by letting me know you were there!!!!!

I just typed all of that just in case you might know or will know someone that is going through a difficult health issue and you don’t know what to do. I thought I would give you the perspective of the “other end”. I was one that NEVER knew what to do and usually just backed away. I now have a whole different outlook. Now of course I know everyone is different but maybe a little of that might shed some light on a situation.

I hope all of you are all well and I will give you an update after the appointment! Also, my photography website is UP AND RUNNING (graysonandlane.com)!!! I am so excited!! Once I finish tweaking it and doing the shopping cart I will then start on the Cancer Research Fund!! The website is already designed..... just need to go through the process of creating the company!


NO MORE MOMO!!!!!!!!!
I actually missed her in the beginning (just missed having an excuse not to clean!!!) and now she is just a distant memory………